Each month, you’ll hear from one of us on what we’re reading and a little bit about the book. Enjoy!
Why Her? by Nicki Koziarz is the book that voices the thoughts that every woman is thinking, that they don’t want to think. We don’t dare ask this question out loud. Even addressing it in our journals is dangerous. What if someone picked it up? We don’t voice it aloud because we don’t want others to see that grossness of our hearts.
This book is all about uncovering the unwelcome guest of comparison that so often invades our hearts, creating such an ache. We feel as though we can’t measure up and we are somehow broken because we cannot do or achieve or create or manage all someone else can in the seemingly perfect way that they do.
Yet, Truth will uncover the comparison con.
The lies of comparison the the Enemy whispers in our ear are exposed when we are knee-deep in the Truth. This book helps us see these lies for what they are through the story of two striving sisters—Leah and Rachel. This is probably a familiar story to you, but the details are astounding. Six truths emerge from this story, and it is those truths that help us stop staring at the success of others and find contentment in the life God has given us to live.
Sounds easy, right? Six truths to know so comparison is not a part of your life anymore. Well, we all know it’s not quite that easy. Rooting out the sin that the Bible says so easily ensnares us will take effort again and again and again. Keep these truths nearby, because when comparison tries to sneak back into your heart, they will keep it at bay.
Truth 1: You need to be honest.
Comparison tends to cloud our sight, and often motivates us to deny that comparison is actually the problem. Comparison is a battle to see whose truth—ours or God’s—we’ll allow to rule our thoughts and actions. My favorite line about being honest with ourselves from Nicki is that, “We can’t come victorious from a God-struggle by clinging to denial and dishonesty. So let’s dismiss denial and dishonesty from our lives and ask honesty to transform our failures and future.”
Truth 2: See it like it really is.
“There’s the story we see, and then there’s the story of what’s really happening” is a quote that really hit home with me. We all know that what we see on Facebook or Instagram is posed, filtered, and carefully curated as the “perfect” moment, but that doesn’t mean we don’t fall into the comparison trap when we see it. Nicki’s prayer, “God give me eyes to see what I need to see, not what I want to see,” is the best response we could give when those lies start to trickle in the back of our heads. Comparison breeds competition which is always at odds with contentment.
Truth 3: You don’t always have to be okay.
Often, we feel, as women, that we should be strong and able to do it all, and when we can’t, we look around and wonder why everyone else can. Our desire to always have it together often stems from jealousy, and more often than not, it creates a motivation to pull away from community.
Yet, when we are in community, we can best see that we don’t always have to be okay. We can lean on others and entrust our struggles to them. They can speak truth when we forget the words.
Truth 4: You didn’t do anything wrong.
Surrender can be such a hard word to understand. The concept of surrender is often thought to be one of giving up, but godly surrender is the stance of fully trusting God with each aspect of our lives, and relying on Him to determine what happens. Just because your life doesn’t look like someone else’s doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. Maybe God has designed your life differently for a purpose. Maybe He is using these moments and these feelings to gently (or not so gently) remove your grasp on the controls so that He can be in His rightful place of calling the shots for your life.
Truth 5: Her gain is not your loss.
My favorite quote from this section is this: “Pride convinces us that if someone wins, we somehow lose. But choosing to live a God-promise-filled life means believing that if she wins, we all win.” God doesn’t put a limit on how many people are allowed to do things important to His purpose. There’s also not a hierarchy of priority—visibility or perceived success does not mean that their assignment from God is more important than yours. It’s just different. I look forward to the day that we see the most honorable servants of Jesus and we don’t recognize their faces because they were the ones serving in the most lowly places.
Truth 6: Let the success of others encourage, not discourage you.
God’s purpose for us isn’t a battlefield for competition. It’s a safe haven of calling. When we start chasing what other people have instead of cheering them on, we’re just left tired, discouraged, and empty. Instead of chasing, let her wins encourage you and push you out of complacency and learn to live as women who compliment each other.
Wrapping up the book in a nutshell, freedom from comparison means we can step into the middle of our story, changing it not to look like her but to look like what you believe God has envisioned for you.
Want to study this book in community? Join our friends at Proverbs 31 for an online Bible study of Why Her?, which starts April 9! Click here to learn more!
Chaselynn Beard works with B&H Books and lives just outside of Nashville with her husband, John. She loves teaching group fitness classes at the YMCA, adding peppermint to her coffee all year long, living off of chips and salsa, and watching YouTube videos with her husband.