In case you missed it, you can view When the Holidays Change Through Loss: Part 1 here. While Part 1 addresses those grieving this season, Part 2 addresses those walking alongside a grieving friend or family member during the holidays.
Every grieving situation is different, and every griever is equally unique. So, when friends or family in your community are walking through a difficult season of grief, it can be tough to know how to help, especially during the joyous holiday season. Here are a few tips that we’ve found to be key along the way.
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Do whatever possible to keep the grieving from taking care of you.
I realize this seems like a no-brainer. But, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen others leaning on grieving family members. When my dad passed away, a well-meaning family friend (whom I’d never met before) tried to set me up with her son while she and I were chatting at the funeral visitation. You guessed it: I wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk about dating prospects.
Of course, no one intends to be inappropriate or add to the load of the people who are already suffering. But, please try to be aware and intentional with the emotions that you bring to the situation. If you are also grieving, do your best to process your emotions and thoughts with another safe person who is outside of the family circle. All grief is valid. You need to be heard and work through what’s happening in your heart and mind. But, if you want to serve friends who are grieving, venting to them is likely not the most life-giving idea.
In this time of grief, put fewer expectations on your friends, especially with regards to being at a place at a certain time or needing a specific type of emotional support. Everyone grieves in different ways and at different speeds. And honestly, it’s really hard to gauge or anticipate what might trigger fresh pangs of grief. Giving your grieving friends the room and freedom to feel and “be where they are” emotionally could be a balm to their souls. They may not make deadlines or be as social as they used to be. Always invite and include them, but don’t take it personally if they turn you down from time to time. Roll with the punches and let them have what they need. Know that sometimes your grieving friend might come across as rude or annoyed. Their reactions, especially the more drastic emotional reactions, are so much more about what’s happening inside of them than anything to do with you. Don’t take it to heart. Persevere in love.
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Be willing to embrace awkwardness.
Sometimes your grieving friends will need a listening ear or want to go out and enjoy time with friends. Sometimes they might not want to talk, but want you to come sit and be with them. They may be overwhelmed by circumstances, thoughts, or emotions and not know what they need or why they are feeling the way that they are feeling. And, sometimes you might not know what to do. Hear me say, that’s ok. In these grief situations, grace is needed on both sides of the relationship. Neither person knows “what to do,” and there’s not “a right thing” to do. It’s best to be honest and communicate as much as you can. You can figure out what to do together. It’s always ok to say, “I’m not sure how to help. I’m here, and I love you. What can I do?”
Even though the person walking through grief may be acting differently than you’re used to, she is still your friend – the same people you’ve known. You know how to be her friend. So, do the same things you would normally do to love her well, just be attentive to emotions that may bubble up to the surface.
These grieving friends may tell the same stories more than once, or be sensitive about things they weren’t sensitive about before. They likely know that they are acting strangely and would like to be back to their normal selves. They need to know that you’re on their team. This is a rubber-meets-the-road moment when they need to know that you’ll stick it out while they work through this painful and awkward time.
If your grieving friend is physically far away from you, that doesn’t mean you can’t be present with them. Calling or texting with simple messages like “Thinking of you today” or “You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but I just want to be around and let you know I’m thinking of you even though I can’t be there with you” are always a welcome bright spot.
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Don’t be afraid to mention the person they’re grieving, especially if they begin the conversation.
In this instance, of course, it’s important to be sensitive to where your loved one is emotionally – you don’t want to press if he or she is already struggling. But, it can be an encouragement when friends mention the loved one who has passed away by name, and allow the grieving people to share memories or stories, especially if the grieving party brings up the topic. It also helps to remember important anniversaries and express care – call, send a card or a text message to let them know you are thinking of them.
We’ve all heard that after the first few months, the grief and pain will still be present, but the majority of friends will have moved on to other things. You can serve your friends by allowing them to share about their loved one who is gone. The person they’re grieving may be gone from this world. But, the significant ties and history he or she had with your friends are not. It’s healthy to help the grieving parties honor the memory of the one who is gone.
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Practical can be the way to their hearts.
You can work to meet physical needs for them while they are processing through grief and pain. A friend told me after a family death, someone left a cooler on her porch so folks who wanted to bring food could drops items off without worrying about keeping them cold/warm. This allowed others an outlet to serve her family and allowed the family to have privacy when they weren’t able to (or didn’t want to) receive visitors. Try to anticipate needs – clean their houses, have their lawns mowed. Often everyday, mundane tasks can feel overwhelming to those in painful grief. You could most definitely be a blessing to them.
This is by no means an exhaustive list. But, as you hope to honor the Lord by loving those around you in difficult seasons, seek Him as your source for wisdom and insight. He knows your friends’ hearts better than they do. He knows what they need, and He’s given you specific giftings and strengths to leverage for His glory and their good. You’re uniquely made to care for your friend in a way no one else is. Play to those strengths.
And, please know what a blessing you are to your friends. I want to encourage you. They are grateful for you (whether or not they say it) and are so grateful for your willingness to walk with them in this tough season. Keep loving, serving, and pressing in to the call of carrying one another’s burdens this holiday season.
Sarah Doss is a Content & Production Editor with Lifeway. She loves a quirky sitcom, baking as therapy, and travel (international or otherwise). As a recovering Lisa Frank enthusiast, she maintains a healthy affinity for school supplies and all things letterpress. Keep up with her on Twitter (she loves Twitter friends) at @sarahdossy.
