So there we were out on another date night, which seemed more like a ho-hum routine than something we wanted to do. We had done the routine talk about family “business,” which included conversations about our kids, our money (or lack thereof), our schedules, work, and not much else. Soon after came the silence and blank stares.
How in the world did we get to this point where date nights were a boring task, which if we were both being honest we’d admit we couldn’t care less if they even happened?
Fast forward a few years and I’m getting butterflies because it’s Friday. Yes, butterflies, like I did in high school. Friday night date nights have now become a staple in our marriage, and something we couldn’t image living without. But as I mentioned above it wasn’t always like that.
A couple years into our marriage my wife and I found ourselves in a dateless marriage. Unlike before we were married, we weren’t dating at all. We weren’t hanging out. We weren’t staying up late just to spend a little more time with each other. Do you remember staying up on the phone and practically falling asleep on each other because you couldn’t bear to hang up? Kind of like this, “Talk to you tomorrow … bye. Wait, are you still there? Why didn’t you hang up? You hang up first … No, you … OK, let’s hang up at the same time.”
I know, silly right? Well, we did that when we were dating. But after getting married that “can’t get enough of you” seemed to wear off. Dating was all but forgotten. We did the math and we determined there was a period of years in our marriage that we weren’t dating at all. We didn’t miss a date or two—dating was not even a part of our marriage.
The worst part was we didn’t even realize we were missing an amazing thing, something that would continue to grow our relationship and help us to connect on a deeper level.
But what was our problem? How, and why did we get to this point where dates weren’t a priority and not really enjoyable?
It wasn’t the result of a major blowup, but instead little by little over time we walked down a path in marriage that was distant, disconnected, and dateless.
We allowed the “little foxes” to run amuck in our relationship. We weren’t alone in this. Little foxes may be keeping your relationship from being as connected as it could be too. It was a problem for King Solomon in the Bible as well. Read what he wrote in Song of Solomon 2:15:
“Catch all the foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love, for the grapevines are blossoming!”
Solomon didn’t mention big bears or lions (i.e. big problems in our relationships), but he mentioned little foxes as the culprit of ruining our gardens of love. Those little foxes, or little disturbances, come in the form of busyness from work, our kids’ schedules, bills and financial worries, or anything that can prevent us from connecting with one another in our relationships.
That’s exactly what was happening with us. It eventually led us to the point where our gardens of love were ruined. We didn’t spend much time together that was dedicated to us and our relationship. The time we spent was about other things, little foxes. Have you been there? Are you there now?
So how do we keep those little foxes, those little disturbances, in our relationship from messing things up? We cleave, that’s how.
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” Genesis 2:24.
That word cleave means to “cling to” or “stick to” or “pursue closely.” One definition says it is “strength resulting from a close association.” That is exactly what we were missing. Unlike our pre-marriage dating days we were missing the close association and the strength in our relationship that came as a result.
To get that back we began spending time, quantity time, in order to achieve the quality time we desired. We began having smaller interactions and shared experiences which became the catalyst for deepening our relationship. We took daily neighborhood walks, we had “couch time,” we did short workout videos together, we prayed and read the Bible and other books. We spent a lot more time, smaller but intentional time together, so we’d have more things to talk about for our date nights and other times together.
The result was we became excited about dating again, and we actually enjoyed those dates. And ultimately it resulted in connecting with one another like we always wanted to. Our vineyard of love was no longer being ruined by those little foxes.
We learned that the best thing to do when preparing for date night is to build up to it with those small interactions and shared experiences. For those of us who are married you can think of it like foreplay. Without foreplay intimacy may not be as enjoyable for both. But with foreplay intimacy for both husband and wife is amazing.
I believe preparing for date night in this manner will make your date nights more exciting and enjoyable. And date nights like that can serve as one more way to get that deep connection you hope for in your relationship.
What’s one way you can better prepare for date night?
Jackie Bledsoe is a professional blogger, author, and speaker, but first and foremost a husband and father who encourages men to better lead and love their families. He’s the author of The 7 Rings of MarriageTM book (B&H Publishing) and Bible study (LifeWay), and with his wife, co-hosts The 7 Rings of MarriageTM Show, where they share practical marriage lessons, and interview other couples who have lasting and fulfilling marriages. Learn more at JackieBledsoe.com/LifeWayWomen.
